(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) We now return to Hard Knocks CFL:
Training Camp with the Toronto Argonauts.
I hope you make it, You're real good.
No way, not as good as you. I hope you make it,
What're you gonna do with all your money?
Oh, probably just save it,
Yeah, that's real smart, Well, back to my book,
Peter, I was at the park with Stewie, and someone stole his tricycle.
And during, like, the one second
I was looking down at my phone and not at him.
Stupid thief. It's got a vanity plate that won't even apply to him.
Hey. You like your reggae watered down and acceptable at a wedding?
Hop on.
Ugh, can't believe somebody stole Stewie's trike.
I only had nine payments left on that thing.
How much do you make?
Don't worry, Lois, I'm gonna find that tricycle.
I'll just have four to five beers to stop the shaking,
and then I'll go outside.
Huh, never seen that kid around the neighborhood.
Maybe he's got something to do with it.
Hey, kid.
You know anything about a tricycle that just got stolen from the park?
No, sir, I've been sitting here for the last three hours selling lemonade.
Would you like an ice-cold glass?
Why, sure.
(GRUNTS)
You couldn't have been here for three hours on this,
the hottest day of the year,
or the ice cubes in your pitcher would have melted.
Ow...
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say...
Peter, Peter! We can't arrest him. If anything, they can arrest you.
Hey, here's the tricycle. You were right, Peter. This kid's a thief.
We did it!
Wow, look at us. Hey, you know, we make a great team, guys.
Like Huey Lewis and the Jews.
We don't need money
Sorry, the band's breaking up.
Here you go, Stewie.
Don't bother sniffing the seat. It don't smell like nothing.
Oh, yeah, my trike. I'm kind of over that thing.
Now I'm way into wooden beads you move along wires.
Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, when you find a baby's tricycle, it feels like there's nothing you can't do.
Man, I wish we could quit our jobs and solve children's crimes full-time.
I heard you guys are good at solving cases.
I'll give you 50 cents to find my lucky baseball card.
Guys, we're in business.
ALL: (CHEERING) All right!
Wait a minute, I didn't notice you have a pierced ear.
We can't help you.
You go home and tell your mother she's supposed to be a parent, not a friend.
All right, guys, this'll be the headquarters for our new detective agency.
This milk crate will be my chair, this overturned rain barrel will be my desk,
and this DNA evidence centrifuge and fingerprint scanner
will be my coat rack.
Piece of junk.
I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name.
Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes.
There's only one name that makes sense.
- "Dicks for Kids"? - "Dicks for Kids."
But wait, we want people to know we're grown-ups.
Okay, "Big Dicks For Kids."
But we don't want to sound too old.
They're gonna think we're a bunch of old, bald geezers.
"Big Hairy Dicks for Kids."
How are we gonna let them know we're "veiny"?
So, you say this gumball machine took your dime
- and didn't give you a gumball? - That's right.
Well, I'll take care of that.
Hand over the dime, buddy.
- (GLASS SHATTERING) - Come on, hand it over.
Don't make this hard on yourself. Wait a minute.
This gumball machine takes quarters, not dimes.
- Holy crap, it's a setup. - (SIREN WAILING)
Time to make a quick getaway.
(SIREN WAILING)
- You were set up, too, huh? - Yeah.
You realize that kid is plowing both our wives right now.
So, what do we got today, boys?
Well, it seems like we got a bit of a crime spree.
Just this morning, we've had multiple reports of stolen items.
Couple marbles, ball of yarn, two Wiffle ball bats.
Someday a rain'll come and wash all this scum off the streets.
Guys, I think I got a lead on all these thefts.
One of the kids had a nanny-cam hidden in his room.
Come on, let's do it on your son's tiny bed.
Hurry, he gets home at 3:00.
Okay, it's later than this.
Yeah, fast-forward ahead.
Forward. Forward. Keep forwarding.
Is that woman gonna be okay?
Yeah, yeah, she's fine. We're having brunch after this.
God, I look huge in that bed, don't I?
You think other guys hang out
and watch their friend's naked gyrating butt?
It's been so long, I don't know what other friends do.
Forwarding, forwarding, forwarding...
And there we go. Our thief.
(GASPS)
Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks. I just figured that out.
Oh, my God, Chris stole all that stuff.
No way, he wouldn't do that.
Peter, Chris is on the tape. We got to search his bedroom.
Fine, go ahead.
But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a bigger waste of time
than writing tough-guy dialogue for a Jet Li movie.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING, BONE CRACKING)
This is your last warning. Give me back my wife.
What? Excuse me?
Give me back my wife, or you're in a lot of trouble.
I'll kick all your faces. You got me?
You're kind of undoing everything you just did when you kicked my ass.
I know, but I have to say for audience.
Chris still has an Aaron Hernandez poster up? That's not cool.
See, there's nothing here.
Just a weird life-sized lady doll made out of all the stuff that got stolen.
No! Don't hurt Heather. Don't hurt my girlfriend.
- What the hell? - Chris made a sex doll?
Your kid's got a walk-in closet? Two of mine gotta sleep in the car.
Chris is still in his room with that disgusting homemade sex doll.
He actually thinks it's his girlfriend.
I know, it's weird.
It's even weirder than that secret level in Donkey Kong.
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DISTORTED BEEPING)
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)
Maybe it's our fault
Chris has such a screwed-up idea about what a relationship is.
I mean, let's be honest, we're not exactly the model of a healthy marriage.
Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time I pushed off of you after sex and bruised your boob?
No, I mean, when was the last time you bought me flowers,
or we had a date night?
We do stuff.
Just last week, I let you watch me complain after eating too many hot wings.
(GROANS)
Why did you let me do this, Lois? Why?
Okay, Peter, I got to take the kids to school now.
Hey, Chris, your mother wanted me to talk to you. Um...
She doesn't think it's healthy
for you to be spending all your time with a homemade sex doll.
Sex doll? I wish.
Heather hasn't even let me get to second base.
Hang on. What's second base?
Is that touching one of the cabbages?
Yeah.
But I'm such a loser, she'll never let me do that.
Come on, Chris, don't sell yourself short.
You are every bit as good as that bag of garbage.
You really think so?
Sure, I do.
And look, if you really want to learn how to bang that thing,
there's no better teacher than your old dad.
After all, I'm the guy who taught old Asian people
how to get on the subway.
(SCREAM APPROACHING)
Out of the way! Nobody else matters!
All right, you made it.
Now twirl that long hair sticking out of your face mole.
And cough. Cough like you never coughed before.
(COUGHING)
Okay, Chris, now, women really dig those firemen calendars.
So, we're gonna go inside and get some sexy shots of you doing fireman stuff.
Well, I'm hot blooded
Check it and see
I got a fever of 103
Come on, baby Do you do more than dance
I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded
You don't have to read my mind
Look, Heather.
The truth is, I don't care if we never take it to the next level, physically.
I just really like spending time with you.
Oh! Wow.
I'm gonna have to write to somebody about this.
"Dear Penthouse, I used to think these letters were fake
"until my taped-together soccer-ball-headed girlfriend fell in my lap."
Hey, do we still have a magazine?
Good morning, everybody.
I think Heather will be eating breakfast standing up this morning,
if you know what I mean.
Peter, I thought you were gonna take care of this.
You were supposed to make Chris get rid of that doll.
I did take care of it. He slept with it,
and now he'll slowly grow to hate it over the next 20 years.
This is all your fault. You never listen to anything I say.
Look, you told me to talk to him. I talked to him.
And now you're nagging me about it?
God, you're more annoying than a creative voice-mail message.
(DIALING)
(SINGING) Joe is on a vacation far away
You called him up to talk it over
So many things that you want to say
Leave your message when the beep is over
I don't want to miss your call Tonight
(GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)
I already missed your call Tonight
(BEEP)
I... I can't remember who I called.
Oh, Lois, thank God!
Listen, I can't decide what I want for breakfast tomorrow.
Can you make me a sample tray?
You know what, Peter? I'm not talking to you right now.
You screwed up bad with Chris.
And you still haven't apologized for the way you treated me earlier.
Oh, come on, Lois. I'll make it up to you.
Maybe sooner than you know.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, Peter! They're beautiful! You're such a sweetheart.
Read the card.
"To Heather, from Chris?"
Oh, I thought it might have a funny riddle on it.
Oh, good, the flowers came!
We're just cocooning today because Heather said she's never seen TV.
So, we're starting with Season 6 of Becker,
I'm just gonna be easing her in.
Lois, before you say anything, I also got you a gift.
It's a Katherine Heigl mask for you to wear while we have sex.
She's perfect, because she's only sort of hot,
so there won't be this crazy disconnect of her face on your body,
which would totally take me out of it.
Also, it's designed so you can wear it on your butt.
Heather, I made your favorite cookies. And now I want to hear all about your day.
Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine Heigl likes to French kiss.
Oh, my God!
Chris treats that pile of junk better than Peter treats me!
What's the matter, Lois? Need to get in the mood?
How about a little help from Kenny G?
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)
I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.
Oh, hi, Chris. Where have you been?
Heather and I went for a tandem bike ride. And then had lunch at a gastropube.
Nope.
Huh. Sounds like fun.
What have you guys been up to?
Your father got a DVD of black people fighting in the street.
It's not just in the street. Some of them are in private residences.
Oh, well, tomorrow, Heather and I are going to the park to picnic and fly kites.
And on Saturday, she's hosting her book club,
so I have to drop by, say something funny, and then stay upstairs.
Wow, your plans sound very sweet and romantic, Chris.
And how a man should treat his woman.
Oh, Lois, your breath smells like eggs. Talk that way.
Chris, when you go on your picnic tomorrow,
can your father and I come with you?
Let me just ask Heather.
I know, but I think we better.
Apparently the cancer's already in his bones.
- What? - We'd love to. Sounds great!
What are you doing? You can't let him keep thinking that doll is real.
I know. But I just want Peter to see
what a thoughtful man looks like for one afternoon.
Maybe he'll learn something.
Are you sure about this? It seems pretty extreme.
Well, I got to try something.
Peter and I used to be so close. But now we're like apples and oranges.
People say we're different. But we're really not that different.
Yeah, we both work in marketing.
We've both lost children.
We both own cars, but we like to take the bus.
And we both cheat at Words With Friends.
Oh, nice try! I certainly do not!
And we're both gonna have a moderate time at the party tonight.
And we're not gonna count each other's drinks.
We won't have to because we won't be drinking.
Wow, it sure is fun going on a picnic, isn't it, Peter?
Yeah. Will you hold this beer bottle while I try to kick the top off it?
Ow! Damn it!
You moved it.
Raindrops are falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet Are too big for his bed
Nothing seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying
Me
Close your eyes, Heather. I've got a surprise for you.
None of your business how much it was.
He bought her a scarf. And it actually goes well with her colors.
Peter, don't you see what's going on here?
Your son's relationship with that doll is better than our own marriage!
Peter?
Hey, can me and Ramon go ride shirtless bikes?
(SIGHS)
(HINGES CREAKING)
(SCREAMS)
My morning scream.
(SIGHS)
(SCREAMS)
Heather's gone!
Mom! Heather's disappeared! Have you seen her?
No, I haven't, sweetheart.
But you know what?
Sometimes relationships run their course and come to a natural end.
This could be a sign that it's time to move on.
Aw, and I just helped him pick out that scarf.
I miss her so much.
I know, honey.
But if you give it a little time, I'm sure you'll get over her.
Just like you got over your Hamster Dance Tourette Syndrome.
Excuse me, Mom, could you please pass...
Dee dah dee dah dee deh doh doh Dee dah dee dah doh
Doo doo doo doo doodle loodle doo dah doo Doo dah doodle doo dah doodle doh doh
His brain ain't right, but it's fun.
(SOBBING)
Hey, Chris.
I see you're sad. And also sitting on the remote.
Why did Heather leave me?
I don't know,
but sometimes when life's got you down, you got to stand up for a second.
Like, just for a second.
I've never felt this sad!
Aw, looks like somebody could use a hug.
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
There we go.
Oh, no, I hit input!
Oh, no! Oh, God! We may have to throw away the television.
- (BLUBBERING) What should I do, Dad? - I don't know.
Hey, where's that girlfriend of yours? She seems cool.
(SOBS)
This day has Häagen-Dazs written all over it.
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
Boy, he's really upset.
I can't deal with anything until I've had my after-nap coffee.
I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever.
What?
Mmm. Oh, yummy.
Don't do that, either. Just don't do anything.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Chris.
I see you turned your hat around so you can really get in there.
Oh, what do you care? What does anybody care?
Why don't you come with me? I've got something to show you.
If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's bunghole,
I've already seen it.
No, Chris, it's something else. Come on.
Heather? Oh, my God!
- I'm sorry, Chris. - You...
You did this?
I did. I took your doll
because it's not a natural or healthy thing for a boy your age to have.
It looks like you stabbed her. Like, 50 times.
I was kind of jealous of it, so I guess I went a little crazy.
Also, her lipstick is all smeared.
I was having a lot of strange feelings!
Look, Chris, I'm sorry.
You can have Heather back. But I just want you to know,
if you ever treat a real woman the way you treat that doll,
you're gonna make her very happy.
Really?
Absolutely. And I know she'll make you very happy, too.
You know...
I don't think I need Heather anymore.
- You don't? - No.
I'm glad to hear that, Chris.
Seems like maybe you're growing up.
Maybe.
- I guess there's just one thing left to do. - What's that?
Give me that knife. I've got to cut out the baby.
Oh, my God!
It's made of Skittles.
You want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Yeah, I'd like that, Chris.
You know, Lois, I've been thinking about what you said.
And I did learn a little something from watching Chris and Heather.
- You did? - Yeah.
From now on, I am gonna be treating you like garbage.
Oh, Peter. Thank you.
I love you, Lois.
CHRIS: Mom? Dad? I want you to meet my new girlfriend!
This is Mistress Vita. We met on Craigslist.
No talking unless I say!
Hi, Peter.
How'd she know your name?
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show?
Peter, that's not gonna work. You can't just...